Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking

I typically don’t write a whole lot of reviews but I have got to admit that this is one of those books that I wish the whole world could read. I would argue its importance is on the scale of such religious texts such as the bible when it comes to understanding/treating our fellow men. Maybe its a bit of hyperbole but I don’t back down from such a comparison.
Its that good.
I will admit that I would consider myself an introvert and as such may have a certain bias for such a book that promotes the value of the introvert personality as this book so does. I would also like to point out that the author is also a self-proclaimed introvert and will have the same kind of bias toward introversion hence why she would write a book on the topic. Those 2 points being made lets dive into it.
Part one of the book is designed to set the stage so to speak. She introduces the terminologies of introversion/extroversion in the introduction and explains how she will use the two terms throughout the rest of the book. Its pretty straightforward and easy to understand. To be honest the average individual probably understands and uses the two terms just as she does but its always good to start a serious discussion (I consider this book pretty close to a giant discussion of ideas and principles between reader and author) with a common understanding of terms in order to avoid misunderstandings. I will be clear that here is when things get boiled down to the simple extrovert vs introvert argument. It may seem overly simple and stereotypical to pigeonhole someone as one of these classes but for the sake of discussion it makes things much easier and she makes that distinction clear that most people are not as black and white as introvert vs extrovert yet more of a blend of the two. But once again for the sake of discussion the basic introvert vs extrovert is outlined and defined
After that she dives into how today’s society has evolved into an “extrovert” society. She spends a solid 3 chapters just on establishing how things have grown and evolved ever since the early 1900s. For example, she highlights how today’s culture thrives around the bold, outspoken, extrovert of an individual. Look around at any collection of celebrities and count how many are the prototypical “extrovert”. The ideal person is outgoing, friendly, loud, charismatic, and charming, certainly not qualities that your average introvert posses and as such get put down for. As an introvert I couldn’t help myself from falling in love with her points because all my life I had lived through the EXACT same scenarios she used. Over and over I found myself saying yes, that is me. Yes, that is me. YES! All those times where I would have much preferred to read instead of go to a party or be by myself as opposed to surrounded by people. Before I understood that it was a fault. That my shyness was a weakness to overcome. So literally ALL my life I struggled to fit into what I never was destined to be. Now that I read the book I understand that I had a certain understanding of what she deems “the extrovert ideal” but had never really grasped it until now. I just always felt like something was wrong with me and that I had to change but she really opened to my eyes to understand that there never was anything wrong with me its just that society is built to cater to the extroverted person. I will confess as well that I often caught myself feeling a sense of justified anger as she made subtle jabs at the extrovert ideal and acknowledged the positives of the introvert way of doing things. For the first time in my life I felt someone understood me and was back-talking the system that held me down. So, even as an introvert I must say that this first section of the book may come across as offensive to the extrovert reader. She definitely vents a little as she describes the rise of the extrovert and putting down of the introvert like herself. By the time I got to the third chapter I was actually getting tired of the constant bombardment toward extroverts (she slams Harvard and the general ivy league system of education) and puffing up of the introvert personality.
Right then is where she switches gears and you get a fresh breath of air. Having established the extremes on both sides of the scale she begins to fill in the middle. This is where she really shines. She starts off by including a chapter to help you identify which extreme you lean toward naturally and then goes on to how you can adapt. She explains how/why one extreme can and should take on qualities of the opposite extreme. For example, she highlights how introverts are naturally terrible at public speaking but can overcome it and infuse a little of extroversion into their personality. So just by reading part one you would think she doesn’t care for balance but here is where she really advocates and highlights that each extreme has its place. Its our duty to acknowledge which one we are and then learn how to adapt when the situation needs it. It’s absolutely beautiful. So much so that it ought to inspire every reader to analyze their own lives and become better, well rounded individuals. She argues the point that the wall street crash was due to an imbalance of personality extremes in the high level management of banking for example. Joining the major themes from part one and two she illustrates how the extrovert ideal riddled management to the point where everyone was bold and more eager to take risks than sit down and ponder outcomes like an introvert would have done. So the extrovert ideal took over and made risks to great that introversion would have kept in check were it allowed to be there. She makes it very clear that the two extremes need each other. She uses numerous other examples (She uses a lot of married couples) to illustrate the need for introverts to keep the extroverts from going off the deep end and how the introverts need the extroverts to get them off the ground and alive.
That naturally leads into parts three and four. These deal with how the two sides can treat other better to fulfill this ideal balance of personalities. This is where the rubber hits the road so to speak. She spent all of the previous pages explaining the theory. The how each personality behaves, and the how each one responds, and how each one is suited for certain scenarios. But here is where she has suggestions on how you can use that knowledge in everyday life to enhance your relationships with your spouse, family, kids, coworkers, and fellow man.

The more I think about the concept of introversion and extroversion I cant help but acknowledge how the vast majority of social issues and problems stem from the simple, often misunderstood differences in each extreme. Introversion/extroversion is literally the base of how we act and what we say in just about every scenario. I am absolutely fascinated by how much life revolves around these two ideals. I’m grateful she has opened my eyes to the importance of such a topic. If everyone could understand this better then the world would be a much better place. I can’t emphasize that enough. This book will change your life if you willing to sacrifice the time to read it.

Quiet changed how I view introverts and made me realize how many biases there are against them. Our society values people who are outgoing and people who are shy are considered to have some sort of flaw even though that is their natural personality. I had never thought about or even realized how our society values a very “narrow range of personality styles. (pg. 3)” As an introverted person, I didn’t think I would have any biases against people who are labeled as shy. Was I wrong. Many shy people are encouraged to be social and change which gives them a feeling that something is wrong with them instead of them just having a different personality.

Introversion— along with its cousins sensitivity, seriousness, and shyness— is now a second-class personality trait, somewhere between a disappointment and a pathology. Introverts living under the Extrovert Ideal are like women in a man’s world, discounted because of a trait that goes to the core of who they are.

-Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (p. 4)

My favorite thing about this book was how it showed that introverts have strengths just by being who they naturally are. An example she used was Rosa Parks who was “shy and courageous (pg. 2).” Susan Cain points out that the Civil Rights movement wouldn’t have gotten started if Rosa Parks had been an outgoing and loud person. It succeeded because she was a quiet, well respected person and the fact that she stood up for herself gained more attention because it was easier for people to realize the huge injustice of it since she was acting against her personality.

Here are a few of the strengths that an introverted person naturally has:

Function well without sleep (pg. 3)
Good at negotiating because their mild-mannered disposition allows them to take strong/aggressive positions and be accepted more easily (pg. 8)
Think before they speak or act (pg. 8, 168)
Prepare more for speeches and negotiations (pg. 8)
Asks lots of questions and listens intently to answers that leads to strong negotiation skills (pg. 8)
Work slowly and deliberately (pg. 11)
Ability to focus intently on one task and high abilities of concentration (pg. 11)
Relatively immune to the temptation of wealth or fame (pg. 11)
Able to delay gratification (pg. 163)
Don’t give up easily (pg. 168)
Leadership style that wins people over (pg. 197)
Work independently which can lead to innovation (pg. 74)
I loved hearing the definition of an introverted person that wasn’t framed in a negative way compared to an extroverted person. An introverted person enjoys less stimulation which is why they tend to like things like reading. They recharge by being alone while extroverted people recharge by socializing. All introverted people are not necessarily shy. I really liked Susan’s illustration of how shyness and introversion were two different things.

Shyness is the fear of social disapproval or humiliation, while introversion is a preference for environments that are not overstimulating. Shyness is inherently painful; introversion is not.

– Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (p. 12)

There’s a quiz in the book to see which end of the spectrum of introversion/extroversion you fall on. She states several times that no one is completely extroverted or introverted. I did get 15/20 on the test which means I fall heavily on the introverted side. So this book felt very relevant to me. But even if you don’t feel like an introverted person, this book has so much value because it’s pretty much guaranteed that you know or are related to someone introverted and it can help you understand and relate to them.

One epiphany I had about myself was learning that some introverted people are sensitive. There’s a study in the book about babies who had personality assessments when they were babies and again when they had grown up. They found the babies who were sensitive, who cried at loud noises and bad smells more easily turned out to be mellow, introverted adults. The babies who were easy going and didn’t react much to new things grew up to be more outgoing. It seems like it should be the other way around, but it makes sense. If an introverted baby is overwhelmed by stimulation, they choose to be around less stimulation as they become adults. I immediately called my mom when I read this study because I will never live down the stories of being the baby who was scared of the orange rug every time I sat on it, the lamp from just looking at it, and my aunt’s braces when she smiled. And when Susan Cain is talking about sensitivity she is using the psychological term.

Many introverts are also “highly sensitive,” which sounds poetic, but is actually a technical term in psychology. If you are a sensitive sort, then you’re more apt than the average person to feel pleasantly overwhelmed by Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” or a well-turned phrase or an act of extraordinary kindness. You may be quicker than others to feel sickened by violence and ugliness, and you likely have a very strong conscience.

-Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (p. 14)

It’s as if, like Eleanor Roosevelt, they can’t help but feel what others feel.

-Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (p. 138)

I wasn’t expecting this book to help me think about what I really want to do with my life. Introverts are more likely to ignore their own preferences for career choices. The author talks about her career choice as a lawyer and even though she was good at it, she didn’t enjoy or even want to do it. She listed three steps to finding out what you love to do.

First, think back to what you loved to do when you were a child. (pg. 218)
Second, pay attention to the work you gravitate to. (pg. 218)
Finally, pay attention to what you envy. Jealousy is an ugly emotion, but it tells the truth. You mostly envy those who have what you desire. (pg. 218)
When I went through these steps I realized that I love reading and reviewing books. Go figure after studying music and then finance in college that I would eventually come back to reading which I have loved doing since elementary school. Blogging about books has been such a great outlet and way for me to write which I also loved doing. I had to giggle when I came across this quote because my husband can’t believe some of the things I post on my blog for the world to see sometimes.

Studies have shown that, indeed, introverts are more likely than extroverts to express intimate facts about themselves online that their family and friends would be surprised to read…

-Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (p. 63)

If being introverted is so great, why isn’t it valued in our society? There’s an entire chapter that talks about the shift in American culture to over-emphasize the value of extroverted people that led to a devaluing of introverted people. It was very interesting. It involves industrial change, work force changes, and even parenting changes. She compares other cultures to America’s (like China) and shows how their value of extroversion is not as strong or even the opposite and how that affects their culture. The biggest thing that contributed to extroversion being over-valued has to do with the business world. Loud, fast talking people are seen as leaders even if it negatively affects others. Harvard Business School teaches that true leaders have quick and assertive answers which might have led to many of the financial crises since the slow and cautious decision makers were mostly dismissed. There was a study in the book that questioned whether extroverted people are always the best leaders. It turns out they are excellent leaders if their employees are very passive, but in a work environment where the employees are more proactive an introverted leader is actually more efficient at utilizing the knowledge and experience of their employees.

You would think that as an introverted person it would be easy to parent an introverted child. That’s not necessarily true and I enjoyed the parenting tips in the book. I need to remember that my child is just sensitive to things that are new in general and not to label him as shy or anti-social.

I feel like I know myself a little better after reading Quiet. I can recognize now when I’m feeling overwhelmed from stimulation and I make it a point to take time to myself to read or spend time on my own. It’s made me a lot happier. I also have been standing up for myself more, but in my own way by asking lots of questions and not being afraid to speak my mind just because I’m not a loud person. It also made me realize the social pressures I had been putting on myself and my kids. I always felt guilty for not having “enough” play dates and social time. And by “enough” I mean daily play dates. I realize now that the pace of a few times a week makes both my and my kids happy. I don’t feel pressure to have them constantly doing something with other kids anymore. Most of all it helped me realize that I am not an anti-social person. Now that I’m aware that going out with lots of friends or to parties will drain me, I make time to wind down afterwards and I no longer turn down social invitations since I understand my personality better. I feel like for me, this book accomplished what Susan Cain wanted it to.

If there is only one insight you take away from this book, though, I hope it’s a newfound sense of entitlement to be yourself.

-Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (p. 16)

Overall, Quiet shifted my perspective on what it means to be introverted and I learned a lot about myself in the process. I highly recommend this book.

This book completely fascinated me. It was interesting from the beginning to the end and I could relate to so much of what is written. It is intelligent, well written. The different points Mrs. Cain makes throughout the book come across perfectly clear and she also presents a very wide and interesting range of sources. This book should be required reading for every person interested in what happens in their inner world. The only downside I can potentially see with some readers is that this book might be understood as an ego boost to justify the “status” of introvert and not taking any action related to the difficulties and setbacks that always come with being an introvert. This book is meant to expand the reader’s vision, not narrow it. Unfortunately, I know some people that use such information as a shield and an excuse to not solve their problem and I do think many more will see it that way.